The Space between the Pen and the Paper

my pen is
hovering not
touching the
paper

yet words move
through my
mind

I wonder
what keeps
the pen
still

what exists
in the
small space
between
the pen
and the paper

resistance?
fear?
fatigue?
maybe just
air

finally the
pen leans
and makes
contact

victory
or defeat?

Ash Wednesday

A little rainy this morning
Clean cars getting wet
Sky gray and dark
Motivation low

Air thick
ground thirsty
hearts preparing
for a desert season

temptation
sacrifice
Sunday reprieves
because we are human

while Jesus is human and God
Leading us to
the cross and
to the tomb

and then to resurrection
Whatever that means
I struggle to understand

My heart feels hope
and assuredness though
my mind cannot quite
grasp it

That is faith, I guess
A knowing beyond
understanding.

Like Love.

Exactly like Love.

Amen.

How it started….

I have been wanting to post more of my artwork, however, I often feel the need to provide a backstory. I went foraging for some childhood artwork and what I found, interestingly enough, was poetry.

So, here is how it started….

And no, I did not know cursive in First Grade. This was in a book of poems I put together in a later grade.
I did not know how to draw the body of a dog, so I cleverly hid him behind a wall.
I am not very good at rhyming so I am always impressed with anything I have written that rhymes.
A haiku
Another haiku
Hmmm, not bad
My first published poem in a school district anthology (1983-84)

Maybe I am a poet after all.

I Broke

It feels like I broke.

Three years in seminary,
questioning my call,
a global pandemic,
family illnesses,
the loss of six
close family members,
physical injury.

I broke.

Not in an unfixable way,
but in a not anymore,
at least not today,
stop everything,
and take care
kind of way.

A refocus,
basics,
essentials,
breathe,
live,
heal
kind of way.

So I stopped.
I am taking care.
I am breathing.
I am living.
I am healing.

Thank you
Amma God,
for rest,
for life,
for breath,
for healing.

Amen.

holding space ~ holding time

my mind is day-dreamy today
     wandering from thing to thing

     family
     kitten nibbles
     all the stuff
     blue jays
     warm coffee
     dappled sun on the neighbor’s roof
     resting shepherd dog
     curious cat
     whirr of the fan which I am now turning off

monday, early, the still before the storm

sometimes I want to hold
     this space forever

but then I would miss so much,
I would miss my life,
my wild and crazy beautiful holy life

so I will allow the world
     to spin and the time to tick
and I will live it the best I can

acceptance
     perseverance
         faith
               love
                    life

amen ♡

“Finding my Way”

I have been torn about the title and tagline on my blog for a while now. I have been considering changing it from “Seeking and Stumbling” to something like “Finding my Way.” “Seeking and Stumbling” seems to imply that there is only one perfect way to follow God and that many times I fail. “Finding my Way” implies that each way is individual and our God is big enough and personal enough for that. My way may not be your way, and that is okay.

“Seeking and Stumbling” represents my previous way of thinking and being as I struggled to find that one perfect way (see my first blog post). Perhaps now I have a different perspective. My path is my own as designed by God. Each path is our own to wrestle, debate, and follow. Others can travel with me for a while, even a lifetime, but my way with God is my own, as your way with God is your own. We, as the body of Christ, have gotten in trouble when we try to define one way or even a few ways. Then, when one cannot follow the prescribed path because it does not align with God’s will for them, it creates distance from others and distance from God. It seems like something out of C.S. Lewis’s book, The Screwtape Letters, where the enemy has devised a system to ensure that we all fall into disarray.

I think we can do better. We can celebrate millions of ways to follow God. We can believe in a diverse, abundant, and creative God. We can celebrate and honor where we have been, we can be grateful for where we are now, and we can be excited about where we are going.

Autumn is a season of letting go. The trees drop their leaves and the flowers fade, but only to create room for what is next. With God, there is always more to come. There is always another season, another chapter, for evermore.

Sometimes that means creating a new way. That is the entire story of Jesus. God created a new way for us to know God. God opened the way for those outside Israel’s religion to be a part of it too. We can trust that God keeps opening doors and creating new pathways to know, follow, and love God. God loves each of us around the globe personally and intimately. We can trust that this loving and faithful God will help us each find our way. God can help us create new ways and even invite others on the journey as well. To quote the popular bracelet, “God is big enough.” God is abundant and loving and faithful. Abundantly more….

When I first started my blog in 2016, I purchased the domain for my name, marissaneil.com. I wasn’t ready to use it then but I had an inkling that it may turn into more than a blog someday. I had what felt like a divine nudge to dream about it and plan for it. Until then I have been using seekingandstumbling.com. Though I still do not know exactly where it is all going, I feel the nudge to start using my name as the domain, like authors and artists do. I don’t know that I am either, but the nudge is strong. It feels vulnerable in good and bad ways. I have always been vulnerable in my writing, but I could always hide behind an anonymous blog. Now there is no hiding, it’s just me.

On WordPress, there is an option for customization of your “Site Identity” where you choose a title, a photo, and a tagline. I don’t know about you but that is a lot of pressure, to present your “identity” in a snapshot and a few words. I have played around with using my name as the title and my artwork as the photo, but having my name in bold letters is a struggle for me and having my artwork on display is a bit uncomfortable. And there is also the tagline. I have considered keeping “Seeking and Stumbling,” since it is familiar. It is what got me here, yet, it no longer fits. It’s like wearing a coat that is too small. I can’t move or breath in the way I feel called to. I feel called to express myself and share my life and my faith in a new way.

Guess what? That is allowed. Sometimes we get stuck or held back by what is comfortable or what is familiar. That can be safe space, yet sometimes we are invited beyond that, through that space to something else, something more. It is like growing pains. It is uncomfortable for a while but it is growth. And becoming. I am still growing. I am still becoming. I am finding my way.

The concept of seeking and stumbling has been a part of my way. But framing all of my explorations, detours, and U-turns as stumbling no longer fits. Those are just a part of my way. That is how I seek, that is how I connect with God, with others, and with myself. That is my way.

How are you finding your way, your individual path with God?

I’d love to hear about it.

 ~Marissa

I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.
 ~ Isaiah 43:19

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path~ Psalm 119:105