I have been torn about the title and tagline on my blog for a while now. I have been considering changing it from “Seeking and Stumbling” to something like “Finding my Way.” “Seeking and Stumbling” seems to imply that there is only one perfect way to follow God and that many times I fail. “Finding my Way” implies that each way is individual and our God is big enough and personal enough for that. My way may not be your way, and that is okay.
“Seeking and Stumbling” represents my previous way of thinking and being as I struggled to find that one perfect way (see my first blog post). Perhaps now I have a different perspective. My path is my own as designed by God. Each path is our own to wrestle, debate, and follow. Others can travel with me for a while, even a lifetime, but my way with God is my own, as your way with God is your own. We, as the body of Christ, have gotten in trouble when we try to define one way or even a few ways. Then, when one cannot follow the prescribed path because it does not align with God’s will for them, it creates distance from others and distance from God. It seems like something out of C.S. Lewis’s book, The Screwtape Letters, where the enemy has devised a system to ensure that we all fall into disarray.
I think we can do better. We can celebrate millions of ways to follow God. We can believe in a diverse, abundant, and creative God. We can celebrate and honor where we have been, we can be grateful for where we are now, and we can be excited about where we are going.
Autumn is a season of letting go. The trees drop their leaves and the flowers fade, but only to create room for what is next. With God, there is always more to come. There is always another season, another chapter, for evermore.
Sometimes that means creating a new way. That is the entire story of Jesus. God created a new way for us to know God. God opened the way for those outside Israel’s religion to be a part of it too. We can trust that God keeps opening doors and creating new pathways to know, follow, and love God. God loves each of us around the globe personally and intimately. We can trust that this loving and faithful God will help us each find our way. God can help us create new ways and even invite others on the journey as well. To quote the popular bracelet, “God is big enough.” God is abundant and loving and faithful. Abundantly more….
When I first started my blog in 2016, I purchased the domain for my name, marissaneil.com. I wasn’t ready to use it then but I had an inkling that it may turn into more than a blog someday. I had what felt like a divine nudge to dream about it and plan for it. Until then I have been using seekingandstumbling.com. Though I still do not know exactly where it is all going, I feel the nudge to start using my name as the domain, like authors and artists do. I don’t know that I am either, but the nudge is strong. It feels vulnerable in good and bad ways. I have always been vulnerable in my writing, but I could always hide behind an anonymous blog. Now there is no hiding, it’s just me.
On WordPress, there is an option for customization of your “Site Identity” where you choose a title, a photo, and a tagline. I don’t know about you but that is a lot of pressure, to present your “identity” in a snapshot and a few words. I have played around with using my name as the title and my artwork as the photo, but having my name in bold letters is a struggle for me and having my artwork on display is a bit uncomfortable. And there is also the tagline. I have considered keeping “Seeking and Stumbling,” since it is familiar. It is what got me here, yet, it no longer fits. It’s like wearing a coat that is too small. I can’t move or breath in the way I feel called to. I feel called to express myself and share my life and my faith in a new way.
Guess what? That is allowed. Sometimes we get stuck or held back by what is comfortable or what is familiar. That can be safe space, yet sometimes we are invited beyond that, through that space to something else, something more. It is like growing pains. It is uncomfortable for a while but it is growth. And becoming. I am still growing. I am still becoming. I am finding my way.
The concept of seeking and stumbling has been a part of my way. But framing all of my explorations, detours, and U-turns as stumbling no longer fits. Those are just a part of my way. That is how I seek, that is how I connect with God, with others, and with myself. That is my way.
How are you finding your way, your individual path with God?
I’d love to hear about it.
~Marissa
I am about to do a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.~ Isaiah 43:19
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105
My final reflection for my Seminary course on the Holy Spirit:
Shortly after starting to put together some thoughts and some notes on creativity and the Holy Spirit, I discovered that this topic was bigger than the parameters of this assignment. I feel I could study the intersection of these two concepts indefinitely. Therefore, for the purposes of this essay I have chosen to stick to the themes that have surfaced in my life in regards to this holy intersection: resistance, hospitality, and permission. Resistance because it has been so dominant in my spiritual life as well as my creative life. Hospitality because it created a pathway and a process for moving through to something more. Permission because it is what I crave most in my spirituality and my creativity. Christine Valters Paintner talks about the creative and the spiritual journey as being a spiral way rather than a linear one.[1]I agree and as such I do not progress only one time through resistance then hospitality and then permission. Instead, I return over and over again to each stage as I spiral toward the center of my true self.
Creativity
In my professional career I worked in banking and project management. However, if I look back over my life, I have always dabbled with creativity without fully embracing it. In those seemingly uncreative positions, I found myself developing new ways to be more efficient and helping employees become the best versions of themselves. I designed databases and spreadsheets. I rewrote training manuals and restructured departments. Even as a child I loved arts and crafts. One year I inherited a set of Barbie dolls and even though I wasn’t much into playing with them, I really enjoyed designing and building furniture for their imaginary home. I used my father’s tools to build a couch, a table and chairs, and a refrigerator (and since the only paint we had was light blue, everything matched). As a young adult this creativity morphed into occasionally making gifts for family and friends. One year I realized I had forgotten to purchase wrapping paper for Christmas gifts, so I took this opportunity to create my own and painted gift boxes and paper. Once I had children, I appreciated the opportunity to do children’s crafts with them. We would make cards for family birthdays. We would make gifts for grandmothers on Mother’s Day. Whenever friends came over to play, we would plan a craft to make with them. I even volunteered in the Kindergarten Art Appreciation program at my daughters’ school, even when they were no longer in kindergarten. Then my children grew older and while they were still creative, they no longer needed me to create projects for them. I struggled at this time to create my own artistic practices.
Resistance
“Just remember, in choosing, that we often resist what we most need.” – Julia Cameron[2]
“When resistance kicks in, do you listen to what it has to say to you, making space for its wisdom?” – Christine Valters Paintner[3]
“For most of us, the idea that the creator encourages creativity is a radical thought. We tend to think, or at least fear, that creative dreams are egotistical, something that God wouldn’t approve of for us.” – Julia Cameron [4]
My mother is an artist, writer, and poet and my father is an engineer. Both are creative, yet in different ways. Somehow, I had come to believe the world accepts engineering as the appropriate and acceptable way to express creativity in the world. It is responsible. Art always seemed irresponsible. It is too free, too creative. There are no rules or boundaries. It is easy to get out of control. I crave control, purpose, and function. Art does not always seem useful and I believed I was expected to be useful. I have really struggled with that expectation in recent years in my writing and my journaling. Is it useful? Yes, but maybe in an unconventional way. Maybe it is useful as self-expression or as a spiritual practice. Maybe it is useful because it keeps me sane, it keeps me in touch with myself and with my creator and therefore in a better position to love others well. Maybe it is useful after all. I find myself having this wrestling match over and over again. I can hear the arguing in my head:
“Be creative.”
vs.
“No. It doesn’t make sense. It is a waste of time, a waste of resources, and a waste of energy. Why should I? What purpose does it serve?”
I wonder where this resistance comes from. In the past, just to avoid the argument I would decide to not create. I was willing to give up my craft rather than defend or explain myself. It was easier to deny my creativity than defend it.
I am realizing that not only have I been resistant to creative ideas that stir within me but I have also been resistant to the work that goes with creativity. There is toil involved. I have learned to be creative when writing in my journal. After I have let that creativity flow, I have a tendency to want that to stand on its own. Sometimes it does and sometimes it requires further work. In wanting to share my writing, there is always editing to be done. There is a tendency to want to skip that step and just receive the gift of the creativity without doing the work of co-creating a final project to share. Even as I worked through my many pages of notes for this paper, I was resistant to organizing the notes, editing, and writing transitions. However, I have found that when I am willing to put in the work of co-creating, taking what the spirit gives me and working further on it to create something new, it is very fulfilling and usually produces something that is beyond myself, something that also serves others in some way.
Hospitality
“The position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel.” – Piet Mondrian[5]
“I learned to get out of the way and let that creative force work through me.” – Julia Cameron[6]
“An intentional practice of hospitality calls you to make room within yourself for all the inner voices that rise up in your creative process and contemplative prayer.” – Christine Valters Paintner[7]
“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have entertained angels without knowing it.” – Hebrews 13:2 NRSV
I remember being surprised to learn that many creatives (artist, writers, etc.) experience their creativity as a movement of the Holy Spirit. I first read about this in Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. The concept was very freeing to me because one of the roadblocks to embracing my own creative desires was feeling like I was wholly responsible for coming up with something original. Now I feel like it is more about releasing something that is passing through me but also bringing something of myself out with it. An expression of sorts rather than a wholly new creation of my own making. I had been treating my creativity as a stranger and was not being welcoming to the Spirit moving in me. I was not offering inner hospitality to my own creativity. As I began to understand it as a movement of the Spirit, I began to open myself to it.
Now I love the idea of partnering with God, The Creator, in creative acts. Similar to the job of the scribe, sometimes my role is merely to share the message, whatever that might be, to express the idea, to create the art. I remember years ago discussing with my pastor at the time that I frequently had messages, stories, and explanations running through my mind, like a ticker tape at the bottom of a news broadcast. They felt like conversations but only in my mind. My pastor indicated that I reminded him of a writer he admired. It had never occurred to me to write these conversations down. It had never occurred to me that this might be how writers experience their ideas. It had never occurred to me that these ideas could be a movement of the Holy Spirit. Shortly after this revelation, I started a blog so that I had a place to share these conversations. I was surprised that other people were interested in what had been rolling around in my mind all these years. I was surprised that others experienced God in what I shared. Since then, I have been practicing hospitality to the flow of creativity moving in me, the Spirit moving in me. I am grateful for the opportunity this summer to practice this flow in the reflective papers I have been assigned in this course. I have also practiced this flow in my recent creative project of decorating my church for Vacation Bible School. I was intentional about not over analyzing or second-guessing my creative ideas. I just welcomed them and let them rise out of me. I am learning to trust this flow from the Spirit outside of my personal journal.
Permission
“Is it not the distinguishing characteristic of the human being that in the hot race of evolution he pauses for a moment to paint on the cave walls at Lascaux or Altamira those brown-and-red deer and bison which still fill us with amazed admiration and awe?” – Rollo May[8]
“We express our being by creating. Creativity is a necessary sequel to being.” – Rollo May[9]
“You do not need anybody’s permission to live a creative life.” – Elizabeth Gilbert [10]
Books like The Courage to Create[11], The Call to Create[12], The Right to Write[13], andThe Artist’s Way[14]are all trying to explain, defend, and create space for the artist’s journey, for the creative life. A daunting task…like parting the sea. How do we hold back the sea so people can live their creative lives, their diverse lives, their beautiful God-given lives? The more I try to list things that are creative, the more I realize how everything seems creative. It may be easier to try to list what isn’t creative rather than what is. It seems that we are a creative species, that we were actually created to create.
As I started to seek permission for my own creativity, I begin to recognize creativity in scripture starting with Genesis where God invites Adam into the creating process by asking him to name the animals. This invitation continues with God placing Adam in the garden to co-create vegetation and then again with Eve as she is given the ability to co-create humanity. In Exodus, artisans are filled with the Spirit and gathered to do work for the Lord.[15] Creativity resounds in the various forms of literature represented in the Bible: poetry, prayers, narratives, epistles, parables, etc. The four gospels are creative in their telling of Jesus’ life. Why would we ever consider that creativity and artistry is outside the work of the spirit? Why would we ever think that creativity would be something frowned upon by God?
Coming to terms with this, I want to help others be true to their creative selves, whether in art, in self-expression, or in faith. We are all still co-creating with God. We are all still discovering all of the options our abundant God has created. It can be a bit scary and it can feel out of control, but it is in God’s control. I am learning to trust God more. God is better at this than I am so I am trying to let go, listen, follow, and then join in. I am trying to work with the Spirit rather than against it. When I do, the magic happens. It is glorious. I accomplish things I never thought I could do. Even in something as small as using my creativity to decorate my church for Vacation Bible School, I put in this little bit and God blows it up into something amazing. Hundreds of children learn about Jesus. Youth learn how to be their own creative wonderful selves at church. Adults learn to let go and see what God can do when they release the reins a bit. It keeps giving and growing, as God’s witness to the ends of the Earth.
Vocation
”Our calling is deeply connected to our creativity…Vocation is a daily invitation to be fully who we are and to allow our lives to unfold in ways that are organic to this deepest identity.” – Christine Valters Paintner[16]
“As creatures with the capacity of consciousness and choice, we can cooperate with and contribute to the greater process of creation, or we can deny or refuse our vocation and faith to reach our won protentional.” – Linda Schierse Leonard[17]
“But if you do not express your own original ideas, if you do not listen to your own being, you will have betrayed yourself. Also, you will have betrayed our community in failing to make your contribution to the whole.” – Rollo May[18]
I feel called to live creatively. I am discovering that my vocation is not necessary some new job or career, but just living my life as truly as I can. What I mean by truly is aligning with the Spirit and with my true self the best I can, in everyday tasks as well as in relationships, new and old. I am finding vocation in my family life, in friendships, in my church community, and in the projects with which I am involved. I had been thinking that God’s call meant I would go a completely different direction and start some new life or new career. What I am realizing is that part of my call, of my vocation, is to live the life I already have as truly as I can. (Maybe I really mean “holy”, but that is a loaded word, so I will stick with “truly.”) True to God’s Word, true to God’s Spirit, true to who God created me to be, true to loving others, and true to caring for this world. I think that is the best I can do on this earth. If there is more to it, I will have to trust God to show me. For now, this is my focus, my call, and my life.
Final Thoughts
As a society, we tend to want everyone to be the same rather than honoring each other’s distinctive gifts. As the body of Christ, we are all unique with unique purposes that work together as one. As the Casting Crowns song declares:
“It is the rhythm of the dancers That gives the poets life It is the spirit of the poets That gives the soldiers strength to fight It is fire of the young ones It is the wisdom of the old It is the story of the poor man That’s needing to be told”[19]
I have been releasing my resistance, offering hospitality, and seeking permission to be creative in art, in self-expression, and in my spirituality. I am leaning more into creative projects, into establishing a daily creative practice, and into my call to spiritual formation. The more I open myself up to creativity the more I open myself up to God’s Holy Spirit. I have been focusing on the practice of showing up in creativity and in spirituality, showing up and being open to the movement of the Spirit within me. As I do, I feel closer to God and closer to who God created me to be, and I am experiencing the extreme joy of co-creating with my Creator.
~~~~~~~~~~
Notes
[1]Christine Valters Paintner, The Soul’s Slow Ripening: 12 Celtic Practices for Seeking the Sacred(Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2018), 155. Kindle Edition.
[2]Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way,(New York: Penguin Random House, 2016), 4. Kindle Edition.
[3]Christine Valters Paintner, The Artist’s Rule(Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2011), 74. Kindle Edition.
I am asked: “What is your inner source of orientation? What is your inner compass?”
So I begin to wonder….hmmm….what guides me?
To be honest, curiosity points the way. I follow until the road gets tough then I ache to turn back. Who wins? Comfort or curiosity? On a cold day, maybe comfort. When I have the energy, maybe curiosity.
So, is curiosity my inner compass? Sounds dangerous but true. Sometimes I wish for something more noble like wisdom or faith or even courage.
Truthfully, I am a shy adventurer. Always on the lookout for another shy adventurer to explore with. Someone whose courage I can borrow, or whose wisdom I can follow and whose faith will keep us on the path.
Being shy makes companioning difficult. Needing alone time, quiet, solitude, but friendship too. The paradox, the balancing of the paradox.
Maybe someday I’ll have the wisdom, courage, and faith to explore on my own. Maybe someday I’ll trust that the companions are already waiting for me just up the road a bit.
Maybe someday I’ll take that one step that leads to the rest of my life.
Today, it seems, I’ll just write about the dream of it all.
My brain is drafting a conversation about ‘comfort zone.’ In Sunday School today we talked about calling and how sometimes it can be hard to follow a calling because we are not willing to go outside our comfort zone. At the time, the thought of being willing to find a new comfort zone came to mind. I think sometimes I get stuck in the thinking that my current circumstances are my only comfort zone. But once upon a time, whatever it is that makes up my current comfort zone was new. To even get where I am today, I had to leave a previous comfort zone. I was also thinking about how what if our comfort zone was not really about our external circumstances but about our relationship with God. What if God is our comfort zone? What if following Christ is our comfort zone? Being in God’s will is our comfort zone? I think about how at the end of every school year my daughter, Lindsay, wouldn’t want to leave her existing grade. She loved her teachers and her classmates and her schedule…it was her comfort zone. As a parent, I knew that soon the next grade would become her comfort zone just as it had the previous year. I think God is like the parent in that situation — knowing that whatever this next thing is, that it will become our new comfort zone. And that God will be in the midst of it all.
I don’t know if that paragraph eloquently explains exactly what I am thinking, but it hints at it. I think in a conversation it would make more sense because someone else would fill in the blanks for me. In community, we would be able to flush out the truths behind the words. God’s truths. In Sunday School today, Charlie brought up community and that many times we find our calling in community. I believe that is so true. That we ‘become’ in community. I think that is God’s design for us. I think that is why God gave us family and the church. So that we would live and grow in community and become God’s people together.
I am thinking, “Who is my community today?” Obviously, my immediate family, Rick, Lindsay and Rachel, and even my crazy dog Molly. And then my extended family is my community. My neighborhood is my community. My church is my community. My friends are my community. My seminary peeps are my community. My candidacy cohort is my community. Even the greater world is my community. Last week my friend, Shandon, invited to me try out a new small group practice. In this practice, you choose a discipline to lean into during the coming week like Worship, Scripture, Prayer, etc. The one that jumped out at me was Community. And then I join one of my communities for a Sunday morning discussion and we talk about community. Ok God, I am listening.
This week was hard for me regarding community as I am mourning the loss of one of my family members, one of my community members. That community is now rocked with grief at his absence and I am unable to be physically present with them. Actually, unable to be physically present with most of my community. It makes me treasure my immediate family all the more, my immediate community, the community I am grateful to be sequestered with. I have also been thinking about community in regards to school, my school and the girls’, as we wonder what community will look like in the fall. We have all decided to start school online for the first nine weeks, so school community will be a virtual community. I am so grateful for the technology that can keep us connected. I guess that is what most of the bible is, if not all of it. A ‘technology’ that keeps us connected. Much of scripture is letters that were written to separated communities. Paul wrote to churches when he could not be physically present. The scriptures were documented and passed on to future generations so that we may all be connected even though we are not physically together. I think about what I write and how that is used to connect me to a broader community and hopefully connect us all to God. Hopefully it is a conversation — that someone else will fill in the blanks of what I share so that we all might find the truths behind the words. God’s truths.
Mark 12:30 comes to mind:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.’The second is this, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
That is community.
Thank you Lord for loving us in and through community. Help us to share your love as we lean into the communities you have so lovingly provided for us. Help us honor and love as you do.
It is Pride Month and I’ve been wanting to share something to honor that, but I have been timid. Then I had the opportunity to hear a panel of LGBTQ Voices at a local Methodist Church sponsored by The Reformation Project (www.reformationproject.org). When asked “How can someone express their support? How can we be good allies?”, one panel member replied that one way to be a good ally is to be ‘a visible ally’. This stirred my heart. Now I am trying to be a better ally by being a more visible ally.
I wrote this piece in 2016 when I first applied to seminary. It seems appropriate to share it here now. As part of the admissions process, I was asked the following question: “What is the most important biblical, theological or ethical question you bring to your studies? What was the most important current book or article you consulted as you reflected on this question?”
This was my response:
I am feeling a call to ministry within the Church, but I am having a hard time accepting this because I do not see the Church today as being truly representative of Jesus.
In Matthew 16:18, Jesus says to Peter, “And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock, I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.”
I have many questions that I do not yet know how to answer. My first one is, “What did Jesus mean by ‘church’?” I think we are missing a big part of what Jesus intended. We study the word to be the ‘mind of Jesus’, and it seems like the latest movement is to encourage our members to serve others as the ‘hands and feet of Jesus’. As I was first thinking about this essay, I was convinced that we needed to learn how to be the ‘heart of Jesus’ so that we can love the way Jesus loved. Yet, I think we do know how to love. But I think we only know how to love those we see. Maybe we need to learn how to be the ‘eyes of Jesus’ — to see others as Jesus saw them. Once we can do that, I believe we will automatically love them as Jesus loved them.
As I consider a life in ministry, one of my biggest struggles is how I will align myself with a church that cannot see as Jesus saw. In pondering this dilemma, I was drawn to the book Leaving Church by Barbara Brown Taylor. In this memoir, Taylor shares about her decision to eventually leave congregational ministry to teach. I think this is the temptation of too many ministers today. I am already tempted to ‘leave church’ and I have not even begun my ministry.
While her reasons for leaving centered around the unrealistic demands of clergy life, this book showed me that I am not alone in my struggles with the church of today. It affirmed that others are struggling with how to love church and love people at the same time. It also reminded me that there is a place for ordained clergy outside traditional church roles. While this reminder was comforting, it seemed to confirm that I am being called to ministry within the church. I feel called to be a bridge between God’s people and the church; to enact reform from within the church rather than from outside.
Rather than join the church or leave the church, maybe we are called to change the church. To become the church God is calling us to be. To be the church of Jesus. Not one with walls and barriers and lines drawn in the sand, but one with the eyes of Jesus (eyes that see) and one with the heart of Jesus (a heart that loves God with all and loves others as thyself).
How do we do that? How do we reconcile the contradictions in scripture? How do we proclaim truth to the ends of the earth when we cannot agree on what that truth is? How do we choose ‘and’ rather than ‘or’? How do we move forward into the future God is calling us to? How do we become the people of God we were created to be? How do we feed God’s sheep? Not just with food for the body, but love and nourishment for the soul? How do we teach them to pray? Not just in worship services, not just corporate recitation, but continually with open hearts and open minds ready to receive all God is ready to give?
My most important theological question is, “How do we become the church Jesus commanded us to be?”
I am headed back to seminary in the fall to see if I can learn more answers to my questions. In the meantime, I will be a visible ally to the unseen. I have always been an ally, but I have not always been visible. That changes now. I am your ally. I see you as Jesus sees you, as God sees you, and I love you as Jesus loves you, as God loves you.
Church, we have work to do!
Amen.
For more information on how to be a loving and impactful ally:
John 13:34-35 ~ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
This Lenten season our church has been talking about Transformation. Many members have shared their personal stories of transformation, so I thought I would share more of what God has been doing in my life.
During Lent, we are often encouraged to take on additional spiritual disciplines. Some common ones are prayer, journaling, fasting, worship, silence and solitude, etc. These practices are tools we use to be intentional about drawing closer to God. These tools can be used anytime, not just during special seasons.
The spiritual practice of choosing One Word to focus on with God each year has been very powerful for me. I started this practice in 2014 when our pastors invited the congregation to pick a word for the year. As I pondered what my word would be for that year, I realized if I had chosen a word for the previous year, it would have been ‘Listen’. I had taken some Spiritual Formation classes where I learned how to be still and listen to God’s tiny whispers in my heart.
For 2014, I settled on the word ‘Wisdom’. In my experience, sometimes you choose a word and sometimes a word chooses you. This word came to me during a Healing and Wholeness service in a swirl that reminded me of the stories of Pentecost. It was the Wisdom from the Serenity prayer.
Lord, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
The word encouraged me to put into play the truths I had learned, to live by these truths rather than just ‘knowing’ them in my mind. It guided me to start healing from the effects that my mother’s alcoholism had on my childhood, and my adulthood. It led me to realize my own issues with alcohol, and other addictive substances like wheat and sugar. Through this word, God showed me how to lay down destructive behaviors and choose a better way.
Then in 2015, the word ‘All’ chose me. I was not happy with this word. I would have preferred a more biblical word, but it stuck and I couldn’t get rid of it. This word had two lessons for me. The first lesson was to give God my all as in Mark 12:30, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” The second lesson was to let God be my all. Looking back, I see that these lessons bled into subsequent years.
In 2016, I started wrestling with a call to ministry. I couldn’t settle for just one word — more truthfully, I would not accept what the word really was — so I worked with the words ‘Open’ and ‘Trust’. The Pharisee in me wanted to be legalistic and use just one word. I told people my word was ‘Faith’, which felt like a combination of being open and trusting. It was such a nice gentle word, but it wasn’t really my word. By August of that year, I finally admitted that my word was really ‘Surrender’. Now that is a tough word, but it’s what God calls us to do, over and over again. I thought the best way to surrender was to go to Seminary to prepare for ordination as a pastor. I applied and I was accepted to start school the following fall.
This gave me plenty of time to work on my word for 2017, which was ‘Confidence’. Confidence in myself, in my ability to complete graduate studies, in my willingness to tell people about my calling, confidence in telling my story. But this was not the whole lesson, as it never is. God had a much bigger lesson for me to learn. It was about God’s son, Jesus Christ. This was the lesson I resisted most.
My first class in Seminary was on Pluralism. In class, we discussed the possibility that believing in Jesus Christ was not the only road to salvation. As someone who did not grow up in church, this idea was very appealing to me. That the road could be wider, that the sacrifice not so great, that it could be easy. As I wrestled with the material, God wrestled with me. Or rather, I wrestled with God. I don’t think God ever really wrestles with us. I think God stands firm, while we try with all our might to budge God to our will. Like a toddler wrestling with a parent. We always know who wins that battle, yet we fight anyway.
At about mid-term, life got in the way and it became clear that now was not the time to pursue a degree. After many tears and much disappointment, I withdrew from Seminary. Because I had been so public about my decision to go to school, I posted a light-hearted story about withdrawing from school. I felt peace with the decision but I was a bit heart-broken. I knew that I didn’t understand the full picture. God still had not revealed everything there was to know. The confidence lesson still needed to be learned. I had lost a bit of confidence in my abilities and in my discernment. I felt a bit ungrounded, like I had jumped off a cliff but had not yet hit bottom. I was not sure where I was going to land.
A few weeks later, I had the opportunity to go on a Spiritual Retreat. I had gone the previous year and had enjoyed the opportunity then to talk to many pastors about their call to ministry. This year I wasn’t sure what to pursue, so I just went open-minded and open-hearted. The speaker was an amazing storyteller. She told a story about a baby eagle that had been raised with chickens. The eaglet walked around pecking at the ground, with its wings tucked in like all the other chickens. One day an adult eagle flies overhead and sees this young eagle acting like a chicken. The adult eagle yells, “Stretch your wings. You are not a chicken. You are meant to fly, to soar.” So, after some arguing, the young eagle stretches his wings and flies. She tells the story in such a way that I can believe I am an eagle who just needs to stretch my wings to fly, to soar.
I am mesmerized by her storytelling and my heart is wide open. Then she starts a story about Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well. She talks about how Samaria was the ‘no-go’ area at the time and how people would go far out of their way to avoid going through Samaria. But Jesus went straight through. She then asked us, “What is your Samaria? What is your no-go area?”
As she tells the story, I notice the name of the man sitting next to me. Some writers I follow, talk about being aware of synchronicity; when circumstances seem to all swirl together with what others would call coincidences. Christians call them ‘God-things’. They say, “It was a God-thing”. Since I started paying attention, I have been blown away by the synchronicities. The way God can orchestrate the simplest things over and over again to accomplish His perfect will. The people I end up sitting by have been a pattern of these synchronicities. When I went to a retreat in Illinois to help discern whether to pursue Deacon or Elder ordination, the woman seated next to me was an ordained Deacon whose job was helping people discern their calling. When I was considering meeting with a counselor, everyone I sat next to for the next few weeks just happened to be a Licensed Counselor. So I was curious about the one sitting next to me at this retreat. His name was Peter. Yes, Peter, who denied Christ three times.
Oh, I am Peter.
“What is my Samaria? What is my no-go area?”
I realized that ‘Christian’ is my no-go area. Jesus is my Samaria. I am Peter, who acts like a follower but then denies Jesus when the pressure is on.
I hear Jesus address me as He addressed Paul on the road to Damascus, “Marissa, why do you persecute me?”
I hear Jesus ask me, “Do you love Me?”
I reply, “Yes, I love you.”
“Do you love Me?”, He asks again.
“Yes, I love you,” I answer.
“Marissa, do you love Me?”
And I can’t answer that third time. It is my no-go.
Hmmm…well that is something to ponder. Something to work through. I prayed and journaled a lot that week as I wrestled with God.
Who was Jesus to me? I’ve always liked the name Rabbi for Jesus. Teacher. I love to learn from Jesus’ wise teachings. And trusted friend. I saw Jesus as trusted counsel who could guide me through tough times. But Lord and Savior? Lord had always been my name for God, not for Jesus. And Savior was a churchy word that we used at Christmas when we sing, “A Savior is born”. I didn’t really understand the full meaning of these words. But then there was a shift in my heart. I realized that when I cried, “Lord”, I really was calling to Jesus. That I was aching to be saved. To be His. But I didn’t know how.
I met with a friend who is very comfortable discussing such things. I shared that I had never experienced one of those moments people talk about where they accept Jesus in their hearts as their Lord and Savior. She mentioned praying a prayer of surrender with an open and willing heart.
I had been learning about Jesus, I had been teaching about Jesus, and I wanted to follow Him, but…
I liked the duality. I was of two worlds and I wasn’t ready to give up my non-Christian status, my secular friends, my secular life. I liked having my options open. I am always amazed at how stubborn I can be. I was willing to go to Seminary, to study to be a Pastor, but I was not willing to be fully Christian. I loved Jesus with my mind and with my strength, but I wasn’t willing to give Him my heart or my soul.
I remembered a time after a powerful Healing and Wholeness Service when I was so overcome by emotion that I had to kneel at the cross in the Prayer Room to pull myself together. My heart cried out this strange prayer to Jesus, “Take me with you,” as if I were waiting for God to convert me. Just make me do it. Take me, rather than me having to make that big step. I found myself in a stalemate, with Jesus standing there with His hand stretched out saying, “Come.” And I’m standing there waiting for Jesus to come to me, “Come play by my rules, my will.” But I couldn’t hold out any longer. The surrender I had worked on the previous year finally came.
I’ve had some trouble with my back lately so I was in bed when I prayed this prayer of surrender. The exact same place where I first felt Jesus’ presence as a hand on my shoulder when I was so sick during pregnancy, the first time I felt that I was not alone. Fourteen years later, I prayed this prayer and surrendered my heart and soul to Jesus.
So my lesson this past year was not about confidence in myself, but confidence in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. What a beautiful, powerful lesson. It always amazes me what God will accomplish in us with just a little bit of intention from us. God is so good.
My word for 2018 is Steadfast. A combination of Hope and Perseverance. To Stand Firm in who God is, who Jesus is, and who I am created and called to be. I am confident that it will be a great lesson! My guiding verse for the year is:
Psalm 51:10 ~ Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Amen.
(This story was also posted on the First United Methodist Church of Grapevine Spiritual Formation blog at http://www.fumcg.org/blog/oneword)
Well, it was a short adventure, but a good one. I have withdrawn from Seminary. Yes, after just seven weeks. But that was enough. It was enough for me to learn what I needed to learn, for now. I knew going in that it was an exploratory venture. That I would ‘check it out and see’. I also knew that there was a chance that it would be temporary. Whenever I was struggling to learn the material, I would pray:
“Lord, I know I am going to learn something. Please help me learn what You want me to learn, even if that is different than what my professors want me to learn, or even what I want to learn. Help me learn the lessons You have planned for me. Amen.”
I have figured out from experience that the lesson is not always what we think it is. So, what did I learn? I learned that I still do not fully understand my call. I re-learned that we can always make a U-turn, that we always have choices. And I was reminded that God is always leading us, if we are willing to follow.
This last one makes me think of Vacation Bible School when I lead kids around the church grounds between sessions. Many times, I will take the long way around and circle a picnic table or the fountain just to see if they will follow (and because it is more fun!). When they were younger, the kids always followed even when they wondered why. But this year, the group was older and they did not follow and it made me sad. I pray that I always follow God’s lead even when it makes no sense to me or others.
As I have mentioned before, my word this year is ‘confidence’. It can be tempting to let something like this shake my confidence, but now I actually have more confidence in many ways. After getting feedback from professors and deans on my assignments, I have more confidence in my writing and speaking abilities. I have more confidence in talking to people I don’t know and more confidence in sharing my story. I have more confidence in my ability to discern when I am on the wrong path, or in the wrong timing. I have more confidence in being authentically me. I have confidence in the loving people along the path who want to help me discover God’s will for me rather than pushing me to pursue their will. Having worked many years in the corporate world, that has not always been my experience with people, and it is a refreshing and nurturing change. I also have confidence in the support of my friends, family, and church community. I have confidence that new opportunities will arise as I continue to discern and pursue this calling to share my faith.
I am really grateful for the experience, and I am so glad I went. Can’t wait for the next adventure!
So rather than “Woes”, I like “The Adventures of a Seminary Dropout” instead.
p.s. For those of you concerned that I may be ‘throwing away my shot’ (my daughter will be so excited that I included a Hamilton reference), I want you to know that my standing as a Seminary student is good for a full year. I can choose to go back if I feel that is the right thing to do. It is really great to have so many wonderful options.
Now off to continue discerning….
Dear Loving and Faithful God, my Wise Teacher and Guide –
I pray that I always have confidence in Your Guidance and Your Leading and Your Path, U-turns and all.
Amen.
Trust in the Lord with all your heartand lean not on your own understanding.
God is calling me to Ministry. I am not sure exactly what that means yet, but I know it is true. And I have been wrestling with it and resisting it for a while. I feel the pull in my heart, but my mind is not quite there yet. It doesn’t really make sense to me. I still feel so new to this faith. The whole thing seems a little crazy.
I did not grow up in church. I was baptized as a baby, and I remember attending one Sunday School class in first grade. And that’s about it. As a teenager, I attended some services with friends and with my grandparents. But I was always uncomfortable in an itchy dress, afraid I would sit or stand at the wrong time or say the wrong thing. I have lived a very secular life.
Sometime in my early 30s, after a conversation with friends about religion, I asked my husband, “What does it mean to be a Christian?”
And he answered, “Well for one thing, it means that you believe Jesus is the Son of God.”
And I remember thinking “What?! Seriously?! That’s really crazy! Do people really believe that?! Do you believe that?!”
My curiosity was piqued.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I was really sick and I had to quit my job. I did not have many friends locally other than work friends, so suddenly I was isolated. I was lonely and afraid. I felt like I was supposed to do it all on my own and I had no idea how to do that. And then I felt a Presence, an overwhelming sense of love and peace and strength, a hand on my shoulder saying, “I am here. You are not alone.”
That’s when I began my journey toward Christ.
When my oldest daughter was three years old, we started looking at Preschools. We checked out Creative Learning Center (CLC) here at FUMC Grapevine, but I was unsure. It was an older building; no computers in the classrooms; it was not bright and shiny like the competition. But my husband, Rick, knew it was right….because of the smell. Yes, the smell. It reminded him of his church and his Sunday School. And because of the teachers and the old buildings. It seemed a little crazy to me, but he knew. So we trusted. And it was good. It was very good.
Once we decided on CLC, we decided to check out the Worship Services here. We had wanted to find a church home, but never seemed to start the search. The first service we attended here was on Easter 2007. The head pastor, Ken Diehm, handed out orange bracelets that read, “Do all things without complaining.” (Philippians 2:14)
“What? All things?”, my mind exclaimed.
Again, I thought, “Wow! This Christian thing is really radical, because that is crazy!”
But Rev. Rick Mang played the guitar and Pastor Ken gave his amazing sermons and we kept coming. So the following Easter, a year later, I mentioned to Rick that maybe we should join the church. But he said he was not quite sure yet.
So I suggested, “Well, if we are not ready to join this church, maybe we should keep looking.”
He responded, “I don’t want to look at other churches. I like this church.”
And we joined.
In the meantime, not only was the Preschool great for my daughter, but it was great for me too. I was home with my youngest daughter, who was one, and I was still sick with a lot of food sensitivities and probably some undiagnosed depression. Pickup time was the only adult conversation and interaction I had all day. Those few minutes on the front lawn of the Preschool with other tired mamas were the highlight of my day. And then one day, a fellow mama mentioned the Bible Study class she took with Kenda Diehm, Ken’s wife. I was curious, but I did not own a Bible. So I went to Mardel and asked a lot of questions about the different versions and bought myself a cute pink women’s devotional Bible. I was ready.
I had never studied the Bible before. I had never even read the Bible before. Kenda was starting a study on Exodus, which was handy for me. I just had to read Genesis, one book, and I would be caught up. So I started reading. And I have to say, I was truly shocked to see that Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden was really a story in the Bible. I had always heard the story, but I never knew that it was really scripture. Wow! Again, I thought, “This Christian thing is kind of crazy.”
The Creation story tripped me up a bit too. I had been raised on evolution and never considered another option. My aunt came to visit from a small town out of state and wanted to go to a “megachurch”, so we went to a service at one of the larger churches in the area. The sermon was about Creation, and I remember being shaken.
“Can’t we just ease into this a bit? Do we have to start with believing that God created the entire world? That seems like a big leap for a beginner. It’s a bit crazy.”
So another year goes by, and I’ve been in worship services listening to the Ministry Moments talk about needing Children’s Sunday School teachers. I had been volunteering at my daughter’s school and was really enjoying it. I was interested in working with the kids at church, but I didn’t have much biblical knowledge. (I was only through the first two books at this point!) But after two years of listening to the plea, I finally said, “Yes”. Again this seemed a bit crazy. How would I teach kids about the Bible when I knew so little about it? But the ad in the video said, “You just have to be willing.” Okay, I am willing.
I started ‘teaching’ my daughter’s Kindergarten class, but I had to demote myself to Preschool when it became glaringly obvious that the Kindergartners knew more than me. It was around Easter and we were playing a trivia game, but there were only questions, no answers. As teachers, we were supposed to know these ‘easy’ kindergarten facts. One of the questions was about the Garden of Gethsemane. I didn’t know the answer. I didn’t know what it was, and I certainly didn’t know how to pronounce it. Luckily, I was team-teaching with someone who knew the answers. So I demoted myself to Preschool the next fall, and taught my youngest daughter’s four year-old class every Sunday for a year. Consequently, most of what I know about the Bible I learned in Preschool Sunday School as a 40 year old.
As I read the stories and the lessons each week, 90% of the time it was the first time I had heard the story. I had to look up each one to learn who the author was and the context of the story. But in addition to learning Bible stories, I also learned that God was giving me the ability to see the message in a story or a situation. And God gave me the ability to explain that message so others could understand.
This was the beginning of my ministry. God equipped me to share biblical truths, in spite of my lack of knowledge and lack of experience. It was crazy.
I taught children’s Sunday School for a few more years. I also helped with Children’s Choir. I love helping children worship and praise God. I’ve helped with VBS. Again, I love helping children discover God and fall in love with Jesus.
And then recently, I’ve moved into Adult Ministry, which is much harder for me, much scarier. Kids are pretty forgiving, but that’s not always true with adults. Most of us want to be forgiving and full of grace but we are so busy and overscheduled and tired to truly be kind. We don’t really have time for inexperience. So I have been more guarded. I have been resistant to ‘Leading’ or ‘Teaching’ adults, not believing that I have anything of value to share, not wanting to waste their precious time.
But I still love helping others discover and draw closer to God. I love Spiritual Formation, which teaches us how to be quiet and listen; to create space in our lives and in our hearts for God to do amazing work.
And now I’m being called to this big scary thing. This crazy, radical thing. To create space in my life for God to mold me. To create space in my heart for God to do amazing work. To just say “Yes”. To follow.
My word last year was ‘Surrender’, but I was in denial for the first part of the year. I told everyone that my word was ‘Faith’, which is a much more gentle word. I knew it was to be ‘Open’ and ‘Trust’. So I’ve been praying and worshipping with my hands open, hoping that my heart will follow the example. Open to Receive, Open to Give, Open to Trust that God is big enough.
Mid-year I finally admitted to myself that my word was really ‘Surrender’. That’s a tough word. It’s a radical word. But it is what God calls us to do.
This year my word is ‘Confidence’. Confidence in God, Confidence in myself, Confidence in the work God has already done in me, Confidence in the work God will continue to do in me.
As I surrender to my call and gain confidence in God’s equipping, I will start Seminary in the fall at Brite Divinity School (TCU) so I can continue my crazy, radical journey toward Christ.
This is my crazy story, this is my crazy song, praising my Savior all the day long.
Dear Loving and Faithful God,
Nurturing Mother and Father,
Majestic Creator,
Almighty Lord of Lords –
Thank you for being a radical God. Thank you for helping me follow You even when it seems crazy. Please continue to give me the confidence to surrender to Your will and Your path. And thank You for Your unending patience when I resist.
Please catch me when I fall, and guide me when I fly.
finding my way 