A Season of Pain

I went for a short pondering walk around the park this morning. It was one of those walks that felt like a “thin place” where there is less divide between here and there. Normally the squirrels will scramble to a safe distance, with nut in tow. Today they just stayed on the edge of the path as I walked by. With the first one I just thought, “This one is really brave or extra friendly.” But then squirrel after squirrel stayed in place, like we were friends passing each other in the hallway. That knowing look, “Hi, how are you?” The birds were the same, allowing me to get closer than usual. I guess it seemed doubly strange in this time of social distancing. Human interaction is difficult, people pulling away as they pass, keeping safe distance. But today the animals were close, maybe knowing that was what I needed, someone to be close. I was in a state of joy and peace, and was thoroughly enjoying my walk.

Then, I turned the corner and suddenly a pain shot through the ball of my left foot. I was hoping I had just stepped wrong that one time but the pain continued. Instantly I felt despair. You wouldn’t think something so small could cause something so big as despair, but the truth is I have been in a long season of pain for the last eight years. As soon as one thing heals, something else hurts. I’ve had multiple foot injuries, broken toes, chronic back issues, a frozen shoulder, and the list goes on and on. Nothing very serious or life threatening, just chronic pain. I keep thinking everything will be better once the pain is gone. Today, I was finally feeling well enough to enjoy a walk around the park, feeling such joy and peace and gratitude, and then the pain showed up again. As I mentioned, my first response was despair. And then suddenly I wondered, “Is it possible for me to find joy and peace in spite of the pain?” Maybe that is my challenge. Maybe pain is just the thorn in my flesh, like Paul, that keeps me humble. Maybe the pain is not the end-all be-all dictator of my state of mind. Maybe there’s another way. Maybe…

I do hope the pain in my foot resolves quickly, but even if it doesn’t, I wonder if I can find joy and peace anyway.

2 Corinthians 12:9a
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you.”

Philippians 4:11b
For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.


I have been wrestling with this ‘writing’ thing.  I have been writing everyday, just not posting everyday.  I am unsure of what to share.  So today I have decided just to share my truth, because that is all any of us really have to share.  Here is yesterday’s journal entry…

February 6, 2017

I am curious about the ‘writing’ thing.  My hand, my mind, my heart, my soul want to write, but what to write?  Just my journal for now.  It seems purposeless, wasteful, but it’s what I love.  It seems like a waste of paper, of ink, of plastic pens, of time.  But it is my favorite part of the day.  It’s my communion with You, Lord.  It’s how I ‘hear’ You.  It’s how I release the clutter from my mind and my heart and my soul.  It’s how I dream.  It’s how I catch glimpses of me…of who I was, of who I am, of who I am becoming, of who I crave to be, of who You created me to be.

My orange pen spills across the page with so many words.  What to do with all of these words?  Do they have purpose?  Do they need to have purpose?  Is the purpose for me?  Is the purpose for You, Lord?   For others?  Why are there so many words?  Not even thoughts or ideas really.  Just words…flying around like the key scene in Harry Potter.  Words with wings all flying around.  Seems like chaos, but gentler.   Feels like love, and enlightenment, and joy, and relationship.

I love words, and the emotions and feelings and connections they are.  They are these things for me.  Why does this seem so new and foreign, yet so old and familiar at the same time?  Of me, but not of me?

I really like the orange ink on the page.  I can taste the refreshing orange as I write.  The orange is not as dark and jarring as the other contrasting colors I usually use.  Fun and springy.  And juicy.


My mind is slowing and the Peace settles in.  The unknowing is still there, but it is peaceful, not frenetic.  It lets me know that I can handle the unknowing.  I can move forward without all the answers.  I can breathe and I can see what is right in front of me.  I can’t see everything, but just right in front of me.  And that is enough for now.  Enough to be able to smile and say, “Okay God, what’s next?”

The words slow and I can just Be, and Listen, and hopefully Hear.



But the Lord said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9a



Why [God]?

The original title for my blog was “Seeking [God] and Stumbling a bit Along the Way.” This post explained my thought process for that title:

I wonder if some of you are upset about the [God] in my blog title. Some of you may be bothered by the brackets [ ], while others may be uncomfortable with the word God. Maybe you are thinking, “Why would you put God in brackets? That seems sacrilegious. It should be Seeking God, no brackets.” Or “Why would you even put God out there? Why can’t it just be Seeking? Why does everything always have to be about God?”.

Here’s why…

For me, everything is about God, but I didn’t always know that. So when I started ‘seeking’, which was probably about the same time I started breathing, I didn’t know I was seeking God. So what was I seeking?










My True Self

My True Source

The desire to find these things was very strong. Sometimes all-consuming. Sometimes overwhelming. I sought these things in many different places and in many different people. And when I didn’t find them, I was heartbroken and empty. Frustrated, and at times hopeless. Why would the world talk of these things if they were not available? Why would my heart ache for these things if they were not attainable?

And then I became pregnant with my first child. And I experienced profound love in a way I had never experienced it before. I sensed God’s presence. And from that Presence, I got a taste of the strength and peace I had been craving. Then I craved these things even more. Now that I knew they truly existed, I pursued them even more intensely. The closer I drew to God’s presence, to God, the more I received what I had been searching for. Now I know with all my heart that what I seek is God. But that is not my whole journey.

I have stumbled. I will stumble. And maybe you are seeking, but you don’t know what you are seeking. Maybe you’ve had a glimpse and you are craving more. Maybe you are stumbling too. Maybe we can seek and stumble together.

What are you seeking? [     ]

My Prayer

Dear [God], my [Love], my [Truth], my [Wholeness], my [Peace], my [Serenity], my [Wisdom], my [Joy], my [Purpose], my [Strength], my [True Self], my [True Source] –

Thank You for the opportunity to seek You. And thank You for allowing me to find You. Thank You for the journey. Thank You for the stumbles, as they always cause me to draw closer to you. Thank You for your patience as I seek in all the wrong places and in all the wrong people. Thank You for your continued guidance as I seek You as my One True Source.


You will seek Me and find Me when you seek me with all your heart.

~Jeremiah 29:13